


They Don't Train You To Die

by Ynnealay



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Pining Bucky Barnes, Psychological Torture, kind of Steve/Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6832675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ynnealay/pseuds/Ynnealay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky falls from the freight car and tries to hold on to who he is for as long as possible by remembering Steve Rogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Don't Train You To Die

At first it was a relief, being taken by Hydra, because they had trained him for torture. When Bucky fell from the freight car, all he remembered was the cold. Air was cold, battering his skin. Fate was cold and cruel. The ice and snow were cold when he hit the ground and his arm was numb. Oh God, he couldn’t feel his arm. Everything hurt, everything was dying. _Christ,_ he was going to die, wasn’t he? Suddenly, he was scared. They hadn’t trained him for dying.

Bucky remembered a jaded officer telling him to remember his own name if he was being tortured, but this was no strategic battering. This was a cold slip to a place they hadn’t trained him for. His own name was no comfort when it was about to belong to a dead man. He was so scared.

“Oh God, Steve,” Bucky croaked, “Oh Christ. Help me.”

He shivered violently and remembered Steve— that kid from Brooklyn. Minutes turned into hours and Bucky realized his lips were frozen but he was still talking, not about his own name, his own life. Steve’s. His best friend was Steve Rogers. He had blue eyes with flecks of green, his smile had always been strong and warm. He liked apple pie and Fourth of July fireworks. He was prettier than any dame Bucky had ever seen. The memory of Steve’s smile chased away the chill of the snow and Bucky fell asleep warm, regretting that he would never see that smile again.

But then.

But then he woke up. Bucky woke up strapped to a metal table, but out of nowhere this filled his with hope; because, he could do torture. As long as he was still alive, he would wait for Steve. He would wait for as long as it took. He had been trained for this.

“My name…” he said, “My name is James Buchanan Barnes.” His voice sounded so thin. How long had he been out?

“You’re wrong, Solider,” said a voice. Bucky tried to turn his head but the restraints kept him from moving. Somebody walked closer and Bucky tensed.

This didn’t matter. As long as he was alive. As long as he would see Steve again. He had been trained for this. He could wait. He could do this. He could—

Later, he wouldn’t remember the pain. He refused to remember the pain. He remembered, instead, the words he whispered through a throat raw with screaming and lips parched.

He was James Barnes, he reminded himself until they told him he _wasn’t_. He shook and bled, and he couldn’t remember why he was there anymore. They told him he wasn’t James Barnes, and one day he realized they were conversing in Russian, and he couldn’t remember his own name. _Solider,_ they called him, but he knew that wasn’t him.

Like a beacon of light, he remembered Steve. He was doing this to see Steve again. He remembered Coney Island and hotdogs. Sun-heated boardwalks and Steve’s laugh. Carnival games, bright lights. He remembered beating Steve at every game.

_“Damn you, Bucky,” Steve laughed._

_You are not James Barnes_ , they told him. They were right. He was Bucky, and he was waiting to see Steve again. He was Bucky. He remembered a freight car… it was colder there.

“What is your name, Solider?” someone asked him.

“I’m Bucky,” he croaked. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, but he clung to the name like a life raft and he was drowning. Bucky. They pushed him under. Bucky. A tidal wave. He was Bucky and he was waiting for Steve.

But no man can survive at sea forever, and eventually Bucky drowned.

* * *

The Winter Solider looked into the eyes of a stranger on a bridge.

“ _Bucky?”_ he heard, and didn’t even flinch.

“Who the _hell_ is Bucky?”

 


End file.
